God – The Chatterbox!

I write this post, extremely amused and entertained. After what I consider to be one of the most emotionally-battered months in my entire life, believe you me, this amusement is a welcome event.

You know, one of those days when everything is just falling apart, people around you are beating up on you, life as you know it – is coming to an end, skies are red, earth is shaking, seas are boiling…. You get the idea! Now imagine it happening for weeks at a time, with no reprise. It’s enough to drain the best of us out! Then you turn to God, like they promised you would always work… and then… what happens?

Absolutely nothing!

Your world is still falling apart… possibly, even accelerated its free-fall tenfold, since you had asked the Big Guy for some help and support. Thank you very much!So, you continue living and breathing somehow – wondering if it’s all even worth it. You are holding it together – but barely. Simply getting up and walking away from this mad civilization sounds like a very good idea at this point. You even plan which of your possessions you can sell quickly and bolt. Just get enough cash to survive in that tiny, peaceful cottage in the mountains, all by yourself. After all, what does one really NEED to survive? Weed-smoking babas have got their funda’s right, after all. You think about this plan a couple of times, before the images of your loved ones pop up into your head. Reality check! You can’t just walk away. It would hurt too many people you love and who love you back (that’s a blessing in itself, but you can’t process it with all the misery and pain). And you also remember that you ain’t a quitter. You sigh, and stay. As if you had another option to begin with. You are restless though, and there is just too much chaos without and too much white noise within you. Yet, you must keep walking the path.

The God isn’t doing anything, still, to help the situation. You have been asking for support, but initial expectations of a miracle from Him, have pretty much flown out the window. And there are mornings when you have looked up and said, “Whatever, Bring it on!”

Right? Yup, I thought so.

The cycle of despair and prayer continues for a few times. Then somewhere, somehow, we reach our breaking point. We really start looking beyond the obvious pain cycle. We get numb and go inwards. We look for meaning and purpose of the hurt and pain and changes. It gets just a little peaceful inside. We aren’t controlling or fixing or mending the situation anymore. We stop swimming frantically, and start drifting for a bit, because really – our brain has shorted. We tune out the sounds. And Then, we start noticing other people, strangers on the road – and we wonder what their stories are. The compassion comes flooding our hearts, when we least expect it. We start being grateful for little blessings, a random smile from someone, for life. We start believing that perhaps this too shall pass. There is that teeny weeny ray of hope sneaking in from some unknown crevice.

And that is God talking! As soon as the noise levels went down inside us, we could see His magic around us, we could feel His touch in so many different ways. We just had to let go, and allow ourselves to break. It is not giving up. It is standing down, soldier! It’s almost a rule of the spiritual world, even though it may seem to defy all the laws of physics. “We have to go deeper to bounce back up!”

God is always talking to us – each time we ask for help, and sometimes even when we don’t. We just need to learn His language, be aware to see the signs He posts for us everywhere, and well… Believe! We all see them, really. But the belief is the keyword here.

I have learnt to know some of the signs over time. For me, number sequences work all the time – like clockwork (literally). And at other times, I would be made to drive behind every car in town with the number plates 3333, 4444, 2222, 6666, 9999, 1111 – until I acknowledge that He is there with me. It’s a relief, really, just knowing that things would be okay in the end.

Then at other times, every radio station from here to Timbuktu would be playing my favorite songs, until I am happy. Only thing I had to do was park my problems aside, and turn on the radio. I have driven around for hours at one time, just because He kept on going at it. God was my personal RJ that day!

This one is the funniest way He has. When He really, really wants to give me a message, He would create a situation where I am inadvertently made to preach to others, what I am supposed to do myself. That’s His sneakiest way yet, of God helping me out. Recently, lot of things started going wrong in my relationship. We were fighting over every small thing, for no reason. I would get emotional, he would shut down, and we would go silent for days. The cycle repeated enough times, that both of us started wondering about the relationship itself. When we fought I would yell at him that I want things to be like they were before, that he has changed. And guess what, he would just shut down again. We weren’t getting anywhere, and I asked God to talk to me, tell me what to do. Three times that day, I saw messages that loosely meant, “if you want something, become it”. Didn’t stick with me. I carried on being mad and miserable about our cracking relationship. So, what does HE do!? He sends me a friend who is complaining about her best friend and their petty fights. She was miserable, loved her friend a lot, and didn’t know what to do. And I looked at her like she was an idiot. Wasn’t it obvious to her? “So, why don’t you take the first step, and act the way you want things to be.”

And boom! There was thunder and lightning and drum rolls!! Sneaky He is, I tell you!!

There is no way I could have ignored what came out of my own mouth as the obvious gyan to someone else. Only – I had to follow it myself. I wanted my guy to be how he used to be with me, but I had changed too. Due to my ego and my fears, I was holding back. I wasn’t being spontaneous. I was being different too. God showed me the mirror. I started out by going back to being myself, doing the things the way I wanted them – like calling first, going over just to snuggle at six in the morning, booking the movie tickets. And gradually (because obviously men have to take their own sweet time), things are back to how they were. And I am happy! My world is in a fairy tale again.

God did this again this morning. It was a refresher course this time. Not the thunder-and-lightning moment of divine epiphany, but a gentle reminder to continue living the life with love and caring for others, if that’s what I want to do. A reminder that I, alone, am responsible for my happiness – and then share it with people I love. I can be the source of happiness, instead of looking for it in relationships or in acts of other people. Keeping me happy, is too much load to put on any other soul. It’s just not fair to anyone! Being with me should be a joy, not a job. I am feeling this with so much conviction today that I had to write it down for posterity.

So again, I write this post, extremely amused and entertained… and humbled, grateful and enchanted.

Dear God, thanks for talking to me all the time. It really helps!